Baby Talk...

Last week Hubby and I were talking about planning for a baby. Honestly I didn't realised how much thought we have to put in before deciding to have one.

Firstly, the issue of work: Do I stop working to be a full time mommy? work part time? still continue working full time? Of course if you ask me, I definitely prefer to be a full time mom! At least for 2 and a half years till Baby Tan turns into Toddler Tan and can attend childcare. But if I were to stop work after Baby Tan is born, that would significantly affect our income. If I were to work part-time, would that be economical considering I'll need to find a PT nanny too? If I were to continue working full time, do we get a domestic helper? But what do I do with the domestic helper? Leave Baby Tan with her? Bring to my parents or hubby's parent's place? But we don't have a car!! So must buy car first??!! ARRGH....so many things to think about!

Next, transport: Do we need to get a car then? Is it wise to get a car while we're still servicing other loans? When do we get a car? When I get pregnant? After I give birth? Do we really really really need a car in the first place? If we do get a domestic helper, no car how to bring to parent's place?

Another issue, number of children and age gap: Presuming I stop work to take care of Baby Tan 1 till he/she's old enough for pre-school...then what if Baby Tan 2 comes along? I repeat the cycle and wait till No. 2 goes to play school? Then if Baby Tan 3 also come along, then how? I can just jolly well stop working till Baby Tan 3 goes primary school...by then I would have been out of the work force for 10 years!! Would I still wanna go back to work then?

Suddenly I realised why young couples are deciding not to have children...before you even "make" one, already so stressed out...maybe I should just not think so much and let nature take it's course...can't imagine being a mom...I think my grandma didn't need to think so much or have so much stress before having her first child...times have changed...being a full time housewife or mom is no longer the best option.

Still no answer now...if I get pregnant this instance, I guess I really wouldn't know what to do or what my next step is. Hubby wants me to work but he also knows the benefits of me not working...i think he's also undecided! haha...

Wait till the time comes then see how lor...

Also three and a half months

Was just reading my friend's blog where she mentioned that her baby was 3 and a half months old now. And I realised that my marriage is also 3 and a half months old! Feels like it's been a long long time though.

It's such a queer feeling...I don't know if newly weds out there feels the same way as I do. It feels like we've been married all this while. It's strange to have my own home now and when I go back to visit my parents, it feels strange to feel detached from my previous home. It doesn't feel like my home anymore but yet that's were I lived for the past 7 years or so.

When I see my dog, he's still very attached to me, but yet it feels strange to say goodbye to him everytime I leave my parent's place. I wonder how he sees me now? Am I still his favourite che che or am I just like any other guests who comes and goes? I wonder...

When I sleep at night, I wonder how it is like to have someone sleep beside for the rest of my life...it's a strange feeling. Seeing my husband as a husband now, but yet he was my boyfriend and fiance for the past 4 years. It's strange how I adapted to the change in status of girlfriend to fiancee much faster and better than from fiance to wife!

It's strange because marriage is nothing like what I had imagined it to be. Our courtship feels like a dream and a real-life historical event at the same time. Our marriage is reality but it still feels so dreamlike. It's just really strange.

Since the wedding, I get bouts of feelings of detachment from this world. There will be times at home or at work where I feel like as those I'm looking at my world through a crystal ball, where I'll be a spectator looking out from inside a crystal ball. Sometimes things don't seem real but I know it's reality that I'm living in. Sometimes I feel like I'm living a dream.

Is this the effects of adjustment to a new phase in life? Or am I just tired most of the time...and the lack to sleep causes this dreamy zombie mode I'm in? I'm not sure...haha...but it's just a strange and bizarre feeling I get sometimes.

Sometimes I wonder if it's must me...

2 similar people

Encountered 2 people who are similar and yet different. Both have the issues steming self-confidence or so it seems...

Both have trouble believing in themselves, which stops them from venturing into new and unsure things. On the surface, it seems like it's because they suffer from inferiority complex...but it soon becomes quite certain that perhaps its more than that, it's more complicated than it seems, yet very simple at the same time.

A few questions kept on running through my mind...why do they think that lowly of themselves?...Why is it that after encouragements and counselling they still think of it that way?...Isn't lots of positive feedback and affirmations the key to getting them started off?...Why is it that they just keep getting stuck at ground zero?

One question led to another...what if it isn't about self-confidence anymore? what if having no self-confidence was just a mask? what is the deeper issue then? When I thought even further, I concluded that perhaps it was unwillingness. But what made them unwilling?When i thought even deeper, I further concluded maybe it's simply laziness...and perhaps even self-centredness.

Being so used to be cared for and given the attention by others, it's no wonder one would not be willing to give up this luxury and start to achieve something by his/her own efforts. Laziness to put in effort and self-centredness to want everyone else to give in to him/her. But because laziness and self-centredness is often viewed as negative triats that is frowned upon socially, it is masked with "Low Self-Esteem".

It's a vicious cycle...as the laziness prolongs, so does the fact that one is not achieving, and when one is constantly not achieveing, that leads to even lower self-esteem.

Then I wonder...how can a person stand staying in that state for so long? Don't he/she wanna break out of it? This is where I reckon self-centredness comes into play...this person is not willing to give up the 'priviledges' of his/her current state. While he/she is moping around, struggling with his/her so-called self-esteem issues, he/she is excused from all forms of social responsibilities! No need to work, when tasked with any form of responsibility, he/she can just whip out his/her trump card:"Hello, I have LOW SELF ESTEEM. I'm the pitiful one here. GIVE IN TO ME! DON'T EXPECT ANYTHING FROM ME!"

He/She just wants to receive and receive and receive without having to give. Just like a child...very self-centered. And most of the time, loved ones react according and begin to start treating him/her like a child who can never grow up...which contributes to his/her helplessness.

I've learned in my short 5 years of work both from textbooks and from experienced SW/Cslrs that change will come when the identified dysfuctional pattern or cycle is broken.

For one of the two, I've had the priviledge of working with to help the person identify the dysfunctional pattern and take steps to break the vicious cycle. I'm glad to say that we've seen progress and the person is now more confident and positive of self, and able to motivate self to achieve personal goals. The person is also now able to refute negative comments given by loved ones, and challenged the comments with the statment,"How are you so sure I can't do it when you haven't even seen me try? I'll show it to you!" That's a really powerful change!

As for the other person, it seems like things are not working out at the moment although counselling (not by me tho, due to some environmental factors, I can't counsel this person) has taken place... it's a pity how this person as well supported, and if not more than the first person I mentioned, but yet is not progressing as well. I have a feeling this person is still holding fast to the "I have low self-esteem, so don't expect anything from me" trump card.

At first I thought if my assessment was wrong, but I did test my hypotheses with the first person. I challenged the first person and asked if it was simply the unwillingness to work hard to reach the goals that was a big hinderance from having a breakthrough, the person agreed and admitted that I nailed it. I found that it was through admitting that unwillingness that change begun. When the person admitted, we could work on goals to overcome the unwillingness instead of trying to achieve results. That was the root of the problem, and when that was dealt with, the rest of the issues began to fall into place properly.

These 2 persons have such similar characters....and I really find it a pity that the 2nd person isn't doing as well.

I've suggested that if the person is not willing to change, the environment will need to change to precipitate or "force" the person to change. But I'm limited...for the case of the 2nd person, there's only so much I can do. Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing the right thing and if I'm overstepping any boundaries.

Right now, I can only feel that it's really such a pity. The second person is a talent waiting to be discovered. And the very person who needs to discover that is the person itself, but sadly that person seems to be the last one to realise it. It's also frustrating...after so many affirmations, the person still says "I can't do it." At times it really makes me wonder if it's a genuine feeling of inadequacy or sheer unwillingness.

I wish I had to chance to work with this person in a professional relationship...but I'm unsure about that. Perhaps it's also my own discomfort of crossing boundaries in a new environment....my own survival instinct. I'm not sure counselling that person will bring the person (and maybe even myself) more harm than good. I'm really not sure...

Perhaps what I can do now is pray....and pray about what I can do and what I should do. It's hard to attend to someone who is more than just a client to you. Perhaps that's why experts say that you can't counsel someone who's anything more to you that merely a client.

Perhaps this blog is the only safe and tangible place other than home where I can vent my frustrations and unload my struggles.

random updates...

Busy day at work....seems to have lots to do lately, but can't find the inertia to do it...haha...

Met up with a friend to talk about insurance last night, gonna update my policy when I meet my agent tmr.

Made cheesecake again! Blueberry cheesecake this time :) bought fresh blueberries from NTUC on my way home, as well as blueberry yoghurt. actually real blueberries don't really tast sourish as I thought they would be, but well, added lots of sugar and lime juice when I was making the sauce...hehe...meant it for cell tonight. checked on it and saw that the cheesecake filling has set nicely :) what's left is simply to pour and spread the blueberry sauce over as topping! yummy!

Hubby was sick and on MC yesterday...tink he gave me the bugs...feeling a flu coming up! And also watery eyes...the kind of "I'm gonna fall sick" feeling :(

Going for a home-visit later...it'll be near BE, where I can then pop by to collect our 2nd wedding portrait. Then take cab home...haha...

Just completed a report in the morning...will need to talk to some people after lunch and before I go on my home visit...and perhaps do up another short report.

Thurdays, which is National Day, will be the housewarming for my dad's side of the relatives. Dad will be cooking prawn mee again! Hooray!

3 months already!

Time flies.....it's been 3 months since we got married! Was just commenting to Hubby that since we got married, time seems to zoom past. We seem to be always busy scooting from one place to another. Yet, it feels like as thought we've already been married for a long time.

As I reflect on the past 3 months, I realised a few changes in myself. Firstly, I'm not so easily upset anymore..haha...in the past I used to get upset with Hubby over certain issues and get very affected by them. Recently, I find that even when I'm angry with Hubby, I get over it really quickly. It's more like I can't really be bothered to get upset anymore, and I don't really need Hubby to do that much to soothe me anymore.

Also, I'm amazed at my reduced need for sleep! Sleeping past midnight has become a norm for me, and I've also realised that I'm much more discplined now...not so much of doing things according to my feelings that much.

I'm thankful that Hubby still gives in to me alot and tries to do what I like...for example, he took up the challenge of drilling holes into our walls to put up the blinds we bought from IKEA for our living room. Guess it was the first time he undertook such a "major" project! Haha! It was despite his cough too. Hubby is sweet lah :) Guess I sense his growth too...he is learning to be the head of the household and making decisions for the family. And I think he does a pretty good job :)

During the marriage seminar we attended last week, I learned somethings that are very valuable from the speaker:

1. Serving my spouse should be my highest calling among all the other things God has planned for me to do
2. Change only what can be changed, and learn the accept what can never be changed
3. Food for thought: What if God made marriages not to make me happy, but to make me holy?
4. Marriage is 100%: 100% from husband and 100% from wife, NOT 50-50. So even if my husband gives 0%, I still need to give my 100%
5. Marriage is a COVENANT, not a contract: Meaning that we should keep to our vows no matter what, till death do us part
6. Marriage is based on mutual submission...marriage is matyrdom! To sustain a marriage, we need to die to ourselves on a daily basis!

I know that marriage has made me grow...and it has forced me to rely on God's strength more that before. I never realised that I needed God in every small details of my life, I never realised how much I needed His peace and strength. So on the whole, marriage has made me realise my need for God, which is a good thing :)

Now, I need the discipline to read His words despite my fatigue!!