Letting go...Am I ready?

^{Was reading Philippians 1 from ODB (Our Daily Bread) this morning, and I think God was speaking to me in His still small voice about the matter that has been troubling me in my heart...}

^"22As long as I'm alive in this body, there is good work for me to do. If I had to choose right now, I hardly know which I'd choose. ²³Hard choice! The desire to break camp here and be with Christ is powerful. Some days I can think of nothing better ²⁴. But most days, because of what you are going through, I am sure that it's better for me to stick it out here."
~Phi 1:22-24~

Indeed..it's a tough choice for me. Like Paul, I'm struggling between 2 choices...his choice was to either press on and do his work on earth, or to request that God takes him back to Heaven to enjoy eternal bliss. Paul was clear that if he stayed, it was for love for the people who still needed his mentoring and guidance; if he went home, it was for himself to rest and be with God in Heaven forever.

Similarly, I face the same 2 roads...to go to a place which I'm not yet comfortable in, to play the role of an encourager, server and perhaps mentor and leader, or stay at where I'm comfortable in and enjoy being served by other leaders? Of course I can serve in the latter...but it's different to "meet a need" and to "value-add". I feel I'm faced with these 2 options...do I want to "meet a need" or "value-add" to God's Kingdom?

"I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway."
~Rom 7:19~

I feel I'm going through this now? But only tougher in my opinion...for I'm not wrestling against what's "good" and "not good", but I'm struggling between what's "good" and what's "best". If He wants the "best" for me, do I then only want to settle for the "good" for myself?

It's really hard letting go...really hard. But at least I have the assurance of my Saviour and King, and the support of my loved ones. I thank God that He has been opened the ways to make the transition easier for me. Now I would like to give thanks to God for:

1. Once again, my mother who has admonished, corrected and guided me well;
2. God for giving me assurance and peace through the uncertainties;
3. God for placing warm and friendly friends in CPC to help in my adjustment process;
4. God for giving me the experiencing of joining the TCC cell, where I got to know more supportive christian friends, and who understands my position;
5. For Hunny, who has always been supportive of my decisions and is ever so accomodating.

The struggles wouldn't end today...but I shall have to focus on what I have to carry on and move on, and stop looking at what I'll be losing ( inspired by Hun :>).

I'll go ahead, go ahead,
Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead...
I'm gonna groove, gonna groove,
Gonna groove, gonna groove, gonna groove!

Stressed...

Found myself experiencing symptoms of stress these few days...have been having complicated and bizzare dreams...have also been experiencing not being able to wake up from my sleep. It's like I wake try very hard to wake up, and when I do, I find that I'm still in my dreams...

Had a few shocks in the past few weeks and maybe I'm still recovering from it....

Firstly, I thot my family would be settling down in TCC...but lo and behold! Mom got an impression by the Holt Spirit to go to serve in the mandarin service of CPC. So we went there to the church for the mandarin service for the first time. When I was there, many ppl were happy to see us. They said that we were their answered prayer....I was somehow roped into helping out at the CCIS this year. So I agreed...being me, I simply don't know how to refuse ppl's request for help. Well now, I've had my first meeting on thurs for the CCIS thingy and am actually looking forward to it. It's gonna be pretty exciting I figure :)

Next, I started to join the TCC YA Cell thereabout the time where we were trying out CPC...I like the group as the ppl there are about my age, and most of them were couples like Hun and myself. I told myself that I'm comfortable there and would be reluctant to join another cell. But I did it again!! I actually asked someone from CPC last sunday to introduce me to a cell group!!

I think I'm really stressed....I dunno what has gotten into me...I'm getting incoherent between my thoughts and actions, I think one way and act another. And I end up getting confused and feeling very unsettled and unsure. But at the bottom of it all, I know what I'm doing is right. Is this His peace? It's hard to describe....it's like deep down inside me, I'm settled, unshaken, but above the layer of solid foundation, there's turbulence...much like the Tsunami! it happens on the surface only, but the sea bed is not really affected much. Is this good news for me then? I guess it is...

The next shock...I was expecting to CO-RUN triple P with someone from MCYC...but lo and behold again!! The plan wasn't for me to CO-RUN!! No no no.....I was to be the main facilitator, but my co-facilitator, who has experience in running the group, will coach and supervise me. Which is a good opportunity and exposure for it, and I do thank God! Just that it still was a shock nevertheless....

Lastly, the internal audit thingy...I dun even wanna think about it! Maybe it's cos everything is just happening altogether...and my Pooh-bear philosophy is forced to take the back-seat and I'm forced to face the real-world. I'm not in my arena anymore...Pooh-bear theory does not apply in this instance! Maybe that's why I'm feeling unsettled...

The months ahead look bleak...I'm attending a different church and cell from Hun...I'm working late every Wed nights....I'm clearing my leave but instead I feel more stressed taking leave than not taking it (can you imagine??!!)...I've NO TIME FOR PAK TOR!!!...I'm conducting a parenting group for the first time in my life!!

I'm carrying a few burdens...walking on a tight-rope while the earthquake is going on...I've full confidence I can reach the end point successfully... but just that the process of walking is just so hard!

This thought is flashed back in my memory as I'm writing this...It's often said that God is the alpha and omega, the beginning and the end, the A and the Z...But He's also the God from the B to the Y. What a comfort to know this!! This is inspired from the album "Welcome Home" by Ron Kenoly....there's a song in it that tells of my situation now and what I should it..it goes like this:

If you're catch Hell, don't hold it!
If you're going through Hell, don't stop!
You go ahead, go ahead, go ahead, go ahead, go ahead!!

Greater is He that is in me,
Than he that is in the world

Remember: No weapons formed against you shall prosper!
And every tongue that rises against you, you shall condemn!

You have authority over the enemy
You have authority as a believer
You have authority in the name of Jesus!

So I'm gonna groove, gonna groove, gonna groove, gonna groove, gonna groove!

Just the way you are

Awww...such a sweet song...sorta an oldie, but I really love it! Hunny...this is for you ;)

~Just the way you are~

Don't go changing, to try and please me
You never let me down before
Don't imagine you're too familiar
And I don't see you anymore
I wouldn't leave you in times of trouble
We never could have come this far
I took the good times, I'll take the bad times
I'll take you just the way you are

Don't go trying some new fashion
Don't change the color of your hair
You always have my unspoken passion
Although I might not seem to care

I don't want clever conversation
I never want to work that hard
I just want someone that I can talk to
I want you just the way you are.

I need to know that you will always be
The same old someone that I knew
What will it take till you believe in me
The way that I believe in you.

I said I love you and that's forever
And this I promise from the heart
I could not love you any better
I love you just the way you are.

Sudden realization....

After the meeting for the 3P groupwork. Suddenly realised that I've actually got so much responsibility for this group!! My co-facilitator is also my mentor for doing the group. She'll be sort of my advisor...while I do most of the teaching and facilitation.

I mean, this is freaky!! It's the first time I'm doing this man! And we're gonna be paid a substantial sum of money for this!! Now I'm starting to think that clearing my leave at this point in time is not such a good idea afterall...Feeling stressed already.

Funny thing is that the process of applying of leave is so stressful in itself...have to go through the eleave system. Can you imagine I took 30 mins to just try to apply leave for 10.5 days??!! I mean, computers are supposed to make the job easier right? But apparently is has made life more miserable....I can only think of 1 group of pple who benefit from this eleave thing..that's the administrators....

Come to think of it..it doesn't really cut down work does it? It does cut down the administrator's work, but increases the social workers'/counsellors' work!! It's just a "blow wind blow" situation where work is redistributed!! Ditto to the ECMS...

Oh well, we're living in a modern society so gotta keep up. No wonder more and more ppl are having depression, stress and anxiety...we modern folks think we're doing less with the aid of modern technology, but actually we're doing extra work to ease someone else's job. We dun even realise that sometimes and wonder why time is never enough!

Is there really so much work to do in this world? Why do our tasks seem neverending?

Picture this...a man is digging a hole while his friend is trying to fill it up....I think this describes our work best!

Quidam and mooncake season

Now is the Quidam and mooncake season!

Went to watch Quidam with the youths from tEEEnz (a programme ran by my agency), together with 2 other colleagues and Hunny. It was nice! Seamless and the perfomers were very, very good at their respective items. But I still prefered Alegria to Quidam cos Alegria is much brighter. One gives a very cheery and happy mood...that of celebration, the other's theme is somewhat darker and gloomier. Can be seen in their names too: Alegria means "jubilation" in Spanish, while Quidam means "nameless passer-by". Nonetheless, it was a good show, and I remain intrigued at how those stunts are even possible!

Tis also the mooncake season and I've made 3 attempts at making the snow skin mooncakes. Realised that it's no easy feat!! preparing the tau sar and the leng yong took quite a bit of time oredi!! and I still had the skin to contend with. However, I'm getting a better grasp of it each time I try it, and thankfully it tastes better each time too!! Yeah!!

I'm left with 1 last try before the mooncake festival is over. Hope this next batch turns out fine!!

"My mini adventure" - Through the eyes of Walnut

A few days ago, I had an adventure of my life. The tower structure that leads to my UFO viewing gallery collapse! I couldn't really remember, but I think I was sleeping in the UFO when the incident happened. I felt myself falling....and next thing I knew, I was not in my home!!

You can imagine my panic! What was I to do without the safety my home and my most loved wheel?? What can a helpless little hamster like me do? At times these, I really wish my pal Peanut was still around....he would have know what to do....*sigh*

When I found myself down below the cliff which my high and mighty tower is situated, I remembered the works mom used to tell me,"Should you ever find yourself away from home, look for the nearest cave and hide there. It's a BIG world out there...you never know what dangerous things can harm you." So off I went in search of a cave...and Lady Luck was smiling at me, because I soon found one not too far away!! It's a strange looking cave. Rectangular in shape and has yellow and blue walls. I think this cave is in the opposite cliff from where I'm staying.

Nonetheless, I went inside, hoping with all my heart that there's nothing dangerous there. As I went in, I found no one else and decided to rest for the night. I got a little hungry..but more tired from the ordeal...and before I knew it, I fell asleep.

When morning came, I heard the familiar sounds which I hear every morning. The humans have arrived. They always arrive soon after sunrise. I saw them looking around at my collasped tower. They must have discovered I was missing!! Should I go out from my cave and shout for help? But yet I'm afraid. What would they do to me? I've always seem them from the safety of my home. At times, they removed me by force and destroyed my home, and then pours sand all over me! And they would always put me in a well and laugh at me while I'm trying to escape!! Yet, after each trip to the wall, I find myself back to my home feeling fresh and clean. My home smells cleaner too! And there's always new food and water.

Are they friend or foe? I really don't know cos they seem to harm me at times, but yet at others, they seem to be nice and friendly. They looked worried and seemed to be looking around for me. Should I come out from my hiding place? But I'm just too afraid...perhaps they are angry at me for running away. Maybe they thought I pushed the tower down!!

While I was sitting there, contemplating on what to do next, I suddenly felt the yellow wall moved!! I peered out and saw the human staying next to my home!! She has found me!! And she brought me food inside the familiar pink well...driven by hunger...I went quickly to the food. Soon after, I was put back into my most beloved home sweet home :) It seemed to have been restructured too! (see the new look!)

Boy was I glad to be home! And I hope it doesn't collapse again!