2 similar people

Encountered 2 people who are similar and yet different. Both have the issues steming self-confidence or so it seems...

Both have trouble believing in themselves, which stops them from venturing into new and unsure things. On the surface, it seems like it's because they suffer from inferiority complex...but it soon becomes quite certain that perhaps its more than that, it's more complicated than it seems, yet very simple at the same time.

A few questions kept on running through my mind...why do they think that lowly of themselves?...Why is it that after encouragements and counselling they still think of it that way?...Isn't lots of positive feedback and affirmations the key to getting them started off?...Why is it that they just keep getting stuck at ground zero?

One question led to another...what if it isn't about self-confidence anymore? what if having no self-confidence was just a mask? what is the deeper issue then? When I thought even further, I concluded that perhaps it was unwillingness. But what made them unwilling?When i thought even deeper, I further concluded maybe it's simply laziness...and perhaps even self-centredness.

Being so used to be cared for and given the attention by others, it's no wonder one would not be willing to give up this luxury and start to achieve something by his/her own efforts. Laziness to put in effort and self-centredness to want everyone else to give in to him/her. But because laziness and self-centredness is often viewed as negative triats that is frowned upon socially, it is masked with "Low Self-Esteem".

It's a vicious cycle...as the laziness prolongs, so does the fact that one is not achieving, and when one is constantly not achieveing, that leads to even lower self-esteem.

Then I wonder...how can a person stand staying in that state for so long? Don't he/she wanna break out of it? This is where I reckon self-centredness comes into play...this person is not willing to give up the 'priviledges' of his/her current state. While he/she is moping around, struggling with his/her so-called self-esteem issues, he/she is excused from all forms of social responsibilities! No need to work, when tasked with any form of responsibility, he/she can just whip out his/her trump card:"Hello, I have LOW SELF ESTEEM. I'm the pitiful one here. GIVE IN TO ME! DON'T EXPECT ANYTHING FROM ME!"

He/She just wants to receive and receive and receive without having to give. Just like a child...very self-centered. And most of the time, loved ones react according and begin to start treating him/her like a child who can never grow up...which contributes to his/her helplessness.

I've learned in my short 5 years of work both from textbooks and from experienced SW/Cslrs that change will come when the identified dysfuctional pattern or cycle is broken.

For one of the two, I've had the priviledge of working with to help the person identify the dysfunctional pattern and take steps to break the vicious cycle. I'm glad to say that we've seen progress and the person is now more confident and positive of self, and able to motivate self to achieve personal goals. The person is also now able to refute negative comments given by loved ones, and challenged the comments with the statment,"How are you so sure I can't do it when you haven't even seen me try? I'll show it to you!" That's a really powerful change!

As for the other person, it seems like things are not working out at the moment although counselling (not by me tho, due to some environmental factors, I can't counsel this person) has taken place... it's a pity how this person as well supported, and if not more than the first person I mentioned, but yet is not progressing as well. I have a feeling this person is still holding fast to the "I have low self-esteem, so don't expect anything from me" trump card.

At first I thought if my assessment was wrong, but I did test my hypotheses with the first person. I challenged the first person and asked if it was simply the unwillingness to work hard to reach the goals that was a big hinderance from having a breakthrough, the person agreed and admitted that I nailed it. I found that it was through admitting that unwillingness that change begun. When the person admitted, we could work on goals to overcome the unwillingness instead of trying to achieve results. That was the root of the problem, and when that was dealt with, the rest of the issues began to fall into place properly.

These 2 persons have such similar characters....and I really find it a pity that the 2nd person isn't doing as well.

I've suggested that if the person is not willing to change, the environment will need to change to precipitate or "force" the person to change. But I'm limited...for the case of the 2nd person, there's only so much I can do. Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing the right thing and if I'm overstepping any boundaries.

Right now, I can only feel that it's really such a pity. The second person is a talent waiting to be discovered. And the very person who needs to discover that is the person itself, but sadly that person seems to be the last one to realise it. It's also frustrating...after so many affirmations, the person still says "I can't do it." At times it really makes me wonder if it's a genuine feeling of inadequacy or sheer unwillingness.

I wish I had to chance to work with this person in a professional relationship...but I'm unsure about that. Perhaps it's also my own discomfort of crossing boundaries in a new environment....my own survival instinct. I'm not sure counselling that person will bring the person (and maybe even myself) more harm than good. I'm really not sure...

Perhaps what I can do now is pray....and pray about what I can do and what I should do. It's hard to attend to someone who is more than just a client to you. Perhaps that's why experts say that you can't counsel someone who's anything more to you that merely a client.

Perhaps this blog is the only safe and tangible place other than home where I can vent my frustrations and unload my struggles.