Rantings...

Lately I've been feeling stressed very easily. Not sure if there's something wrong with me or there's really just too many things. I don't really feel very in control of my life these days, but rather my life is now being controlled by a series of recurring events and to-dos.

My mind is just constantly busy with what I need to do, who I need to visit, what has not been done yet...but these days I'm so tired that I just wanted to run away from it all and hide under my blanket. Which is what I did on saturday. I refused to get out of bed though my brain keeps yelling to me:"Get up and hang your clothes!! Look at the bright sun out there! Don't miss it!"

My life feels like a series of deadlines...even sunning the clothes has a deadline...before the rain and dark clouds come. Things on my list of to-dos:

1. Select the 300 actual day photos for the BS to develop
2. Burn the photos for my relatives
3. Fix up the telephone line (it's faulty :( )
4. Organize and plan the house warmings...
5. Weekly routine of when to got to which parent's place

Marriage comes with it a whole new set of responsibilities too...I'm not just living my own life now. it's very strange too...one the one hand I just wanna hide from the responsibilites, but on the other hand I wanna do it...I wanna cook, I wanna keep my home neat and clean...it's frustration when I can't match what I expect from myself.

I think I don't enjoy going to my in-laws or having them over...I just want the time to myself...but whenever I'm there, I'm glad to be there or I'm happy to have them over. Very contradictory....I guess once the initial reluctance is overcomed, the rest is actually very easy. I like my in-laws very much...just that most time I'm so tired I prefer to go home. But still, I know Hun misses his family and they miss him too...so I'm also happy to go there cos it makes everyone happy.

Maybe I'm not so settled in yet? Maybe it takes time to adjust...but for the moment, I think I found my avenue to relieve my stress...cooking. I enjoy trying new things and cooking for hubby. Yesterday the in-laws came over and I cooked barley drink, so happy they liked it :) Guess these are the things that makes me feel good and gives me the strength to go the next step.

God is good, and I know He is sustaining me. Nope, He doesn't supernaturally make marriage a breeze for me, but gives me just enough to sustain each day. I'm grateful that He strengthens me to face my responsibilities. It's not the physical things that wears me down, it's really more of the emotional responsibilties I have as a wife, daughter and daughter-in-law. I want the best for hubby, his parents and mine too. So everyday it's constantly a choice of my own needs or theirs...which ultimately theirs still comes first.

And the prospect that when we have our little ones in future, their needs will again come above mine...it's daunting. I guess I'm really struggling with myself more than anyone or anything else. It's really a huge task...and I really wonder how can anyone be a wife, daughter, mother, daughter-in-law, a full time employee all at the same time!

I'm surprised at myself nowadays...doing a household chore doesn't feel like a chore anymore...it's more of a chore to see things not done!! Thank God I have a husband who is more than willing the share the housework...and encourages me to see it as opportunities to do things together. Working on the housework together really feels good :) We get things done faster and after that we can both sit down and relax and enjoy the clean home.

Marriage is still very surreal to me...maybe I'm really just trying to adjust and get used to my new status. Thank God up till now Hun & I do not have any major conflicts though I'm beginning to see a very major difference between us. I'm as introverted a person as Hun is an extrovert...and it means that the way Hun and I relax and re-energize is very different. He'll enjoy relaxing by doing something or going out to meet friends, but for me, I just want some "ME" time...time alone to myself. I can be doing anything or not doing anything, but the time is mine and solely mine, and of cos I'll be glad to share it with Hun. But so far, I guess we've been adjusting to each other pretty well...I try my best to look happy when I'm one of those "I wish we were home instead of here" moods, and he tries to be understanding too.

On the whole, it has been a good one month or so :)